Lot's to Think About

Well, it's 11pm and my daughter is upset in her bed. I don't know if her eye itches or her tummy hurts or she just doesn't want to be alone, but regardless, she's up and not happy. The funny thing is, you can't rock her back to sleep, she just has to whine herself back down...usually it doesn't take very long. I'm reminded that in a few short weeks we'll have two children who can't communicate except through crying, I'm a little worried. Ella should be able to tell us something by now and she can't. I kept thinking that her motor skills would be the thing I needed her to gain the most progress in before William was born, but now I know that her developing motor skills make it even harder on me, and her lack of communication is the thing that is starting to frustrate me. ME...I realize I'm using that word a lot. I know that Ella has to be frustrated that she can't tell me what she is feeling or what she wants. Sometimes I feel like she is so trapped in a body that doesn't work, but somewhere in there she knows what she wants to do and say. I've said it before, some days are so "normal" to us. It's normal for us to wake up about 8:30 or 9am hang out (or head to therapy or a doctor) and spend a good portion of our day just being in the house. Ella plays in her playroom and I work around getting stuff done. She plays very well by herself and although she doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time, I can get stuff done without having to be right next to her all of the time. My days aren't difficult because it's all I know of being a mom. This is how our relationship has been. We have a pattern, so I can't imagine having anyone elses day. My sister chases her son around and can't even go to the bathroom for 1 minute in peace...Ella let's me get stuff done all day long and never climbs anything or breaks anything...yet. I'm not grateful that she can't move like other kids her age, but I'm used to the way she is and it doesn't usually bother me. She has made VAST improvements, people remind me of this daily. Sometimes I think that they say it so that they feel better, no one wants to tell you that your child really is SO far behind that they can't imagine she'll ever walk. I think some people really believe she will...I've stopped wondering. Not because I've lost hope, but because all I can think about it right now...or the next few weeks...not whether she'll walk in a few years. It's SO slow. The progress. It seems like some things come fast, but then I look back and realize that we've been working on getting her to sit up for over 6 months, and we've gotten her to the point of 2-3 minutes before she falls over. It's progress, but it's slow. I want her to sit up and NOT fall over, or realize she's falling over and catch herself with her hands...she's fine just face planting...and it doesn't matter how hard the surface that she hits may be. All of this is going on while I'm 8 months pregnant. I keep being reminded (either by myself or others) that we induce in less than 4 weeks now...and no, I'm not ready. I'd like for him to be out of my body and I'd like to be able to sleep, but as soon as he's out I'm going to get less sleep than I do now! It will be nice to be able to tie my shoes again and to bend over to pick up Ella out of her crib, but the craziness that will come with a newborn is scary. I know I have a child, but this will be the first time for a lot for me. I've never taken a child home at 48 hours old. I've never been woken up, every few hours, for weeks at a time by a child crying...Ella never made a sound for 4 months. I had to set an alarm to feed her or she'd never tell us she was hungry...this one will tell me when he's hungry, tired, awake, wet, dirty, and any other time he feels like "talking". Life will change. Not only at home, but in how mine and Ella's daily routine works. Usually I can spend as much of the day as I want holding her. She'll sit in my lap and we'll talk or watch TV or a movie and she's perfectly happy just "hanging out"...that will change. If I have to run to the store it's a pain, but I can usually take her with me and just carry her in my arms...that's not going to happen when I have two children and I need to just run in to a store...does that even HAPPEN when you have two kids? I'm STILL not sure how the stroller thing will work since she has her special chair and how the heck I'm going to manage both of them while concentrating on Ella's therapy and recovery. I know that the Lord will provide all of the answers as I need them, but for now these are the things I think about as I go to sleep at night. Tonight, as my child is now sound asleep, I hope that she'll sleep just as soundly when her brother wakes up and needs me...and that he won't wake her up...ever. Life will go on. People will ask "how do you do it" and I'll smile and reply that I just do...because this is the gift and the life that God gave me and He alone will give me the grace and the ability to handle the challenges that come with not just 2 children, but 1 child with challenges. Ella will continue to improve if the Lord is willing and William will grow to be an encourager to her and a great source of support and love. We will watch as the Lord leads our family and shows us how we "deal" with what he's given us....and we'll smile and love each other and it will all be okay. But for now, I just pray for good sleep tonight...tomorrow will take care of itself.