I'm reminded every Sunday morning, by a sweet and adorable lady at church, that Ella is a blessing from God. She always takes my hands and tells me that I have been given an amazing gift, and then she proceeds to gush all over my daughter...and Ella adores her. Mrs. Anderson usually makes me tear up and also makes me feel like "why the heck did God choose ME for this blessing?".
These last few weeks have been rough. A seizure, followed by the last days of having Kristie (after 17 months) and this week Ella started riding the bus to school...which has been a test. It's not what I would have chosen, it's still not what I want. I know that I'm supposed to want my desires to align with God's desires for my life, but most days my heart misses the mark. I have thought a lot about being Ella's mom lately. Every time someone says "you are such a great mom" or "I could never do what you do" or "I don't know how you do it"...and lately the looks I get when we say we are adding #3 are almost hysterical. This is my life. This is the life that GOD chose for me. Are you kidding me...I would love to have an absolutely perfect child who attends ballet class, and makes me laugh with little funny sayings, and wrestles her brother and countless other things that I had planned for Ella...but God had other plans and I wasn't privy to the making of them or the execution of them...I'm just hear to be Ella's mom.
I grow daily in what it means to be her mother. Yesterday was supposed to be the first day of Ella riding the bus. Mainly because it breaks my heart to wake up Will an hour before he usually gets up to load everyone in the car...and the wheelchair is so heavy that I really needed the relief. Back to yesterday...the bus didn't come. There was either miscommunication among the transportation department or they couldn't find a bus with a wheelchair lift, but either way we had to wait around all morning, ready to go, and then end up loading everyone up in the minivan and taking Ella myself. Today we thought they were picking her up at the beginning of the shift (a little before 7am) and they didn't show up till 8:05am...it's been a long morning. I know that the kinks will get worked out and that I am being refined, even through the process of Ella riding the bus, but refining hurts. I almost lost it when I had to walk away from the bus and let them do their jobs, but I know that we are doing the right thing...and sometimes just being in God's will is enough.
I ache today for a lot of reasons. I compare Ella to typical and special needs kids and I stumble. I realize that we really need a full-time respite attendant and God is calling us to wait on getting this filled.
So...more waiting.