Why?

"Total peace, like all answers, may never come. They didn't for Jacob. Nor Job. Some questions remained unanswered even for Jesus, whether in the Garden of Gethsemane or on a Roman cross -- "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34)"
-Josh and Amy Bottomly, from ashes to africa (Mustang: Tate Publishing, 2008)

My mother in law gave me a book that some family friends wrote. As I am only halfway through the book (it tugs at my heart daily) I came across this section (page 102) and realized that to move forward in my life with Ella, a special needs child, I have to be willing to surrender her and her condition to Him. I have to be willing to lay my selfish desires at the foot of the cross, step back and raise Ella in the way he has instructed me to go. I will never know "why?" and, like the Ashwill's say, the answer probably wouldn't suffice.

I love my daughter. In her three years of life I have learned and grown more than the millions of tears and pain I felt until the day she was born. I hope that I have caught on to some of what God is trying to teach me through her. I hope that I am a better mom to her, and Will, because of the road we have been down.

It isn't easy, but what part of life that makes us better is really easy? I want to be stretched and molded and sculpted...it hurts so badly, but the finished product is so much better than the raw materials. I want to be raw for God. I want to be willing to be used by Him. I hope that Ella's life is not wasted on me...that I see her for not a burden, but as such a gift. I am constantly reminded of how happy she is...95% of the time. The other 5% I think she fakes for attention. She is an angel here on Earth, I'm convinced of it.

Thank you Amy for reminding me that I don't have to be at peace with every moment of every day...as long as I'm willing to surrender those moments to God.

By the way, Josh, I tried to copied your way of siting your sources...not sure an English teacher would grade me well on anything I ever write!