I think I forget, usually, that Ella is any different. It was easy the first year to ignore her differences, because other kids her age weren't doing that much more than she was, it's getting harder to ignore.
I am looking into joining a gym and thanks to my friend Catherine I've been going to a gym for the last few days. The first day my wonderful mother-in-law watched both kids so that I could workout. Yesterday, however, I needed to take both of the kids and leave them in the gym childcare while I went to yoga class...bigger ordeal than I had imagined. I tried to prepare the childcare that Ella would need a padded space and a little extra attention because of her physical limitations and tendency to "drop" to the ground without protecting herself. They informed me that they would do whatever they could to try and accommodate our situation. When we actually arrived at the gym to drop the kids off it was almost like we were a total inconvenience. I realized that most places are not set up for a child like Ella. It's not that they aren't "handicapped accessible", it's just that they can't justify the needs of a physically challenged kid. My heart broke as I watched the teachers exchange glances as a mat was brought in for Ella and as the director explained that she would need to be watched very closely. I started to tear up and get emotional as I held my precious, happy, beautiful little girl and realized that this would be the first of many times that her handicap would be an inconvenience to other people. I started to feel tears run down my cheeks as I held her closer and prayed that she would never know the sighs and looks that people send as they realize that they will have to adjust to make sure Ella can participate. Needless to say I probably won't be joining the gym. However, I don't know what I'm going to do.
It's not just the gym, it is the simple things that make it so hard. Ella has to be in her chair, not in a highchair at restaurants. She has to be strolled everywhere, I can't just put her on my hip or let her down to walk. She is fairly mobile, but only in her safe-place of her "padded cell". It's too hard for her to maneuver anywhere else. Even at my parents house yesterday I watched her fall over a few times as my sister and I gasped...you can't let her out of your site for a moment...unlike a typical toddler who "gets into stuff"...she has no idea of physical harm. People are quick to remind me of how far we've come in the last two years, but what they fail to realize is that her desire to be mobile is sometimes more harmful than a praise. I'm SO grateful that Ella is improving and sitting and trying to stand, but I also know the reality that she struggles to safely do anything. I'm just frustrated and heartbroken and trying to bathe in the grace that our Lord has for me...I'm just having a hard time feeling it today.
