I realized tonight that it's been a while since I've posted my long ramblings (thank you Marian for reminding me). I think a lot of the reason I haven't written in a while is because I didn't want to write anything sad or hopeless. I always feel like everyone is worried about me after I write these, but the funny thing is that I feel SO much better after I just write it out. Growing up I would always write letters to people and never send them...I just needed to get out what I was thinking on paper and then it would be over. When I write on here it's like that. Part of it is a journal and part of it let's others know what is going on in our lives and in my heart.
I'm really overwhelmed...which isn't unusual. We are expecting our second child in Jan/Feb, selling our house, trying to find/purchase a new house, and of course keep progress up with Ella. These are in addition to the daily important duties as a wife and mother...duties that I love.
I think the biggest reason I haven't written is two things...I started to lose a lot of my hope and my focus. I realized tonight that my focus has been off and that has killed a lot of my hope and joy. I have stopped my consistent communication with Christ and in doing so I have turned my eyes off the goal. What is the goal you might ask...that God be glorified through our decisions and actions...and just through our lives. A lot of the time I forget that He is the one who is supposed to be glorified...not me, not Ella, not Joe and not the therapists...but the Lord. I want Ella to wake up tomorrow and be sitting up in her bed, looking straight at me and lift her arms and say "momma". Do I believe that God CAN do it...YES. However, I think I lost my faith that he would. Joe's faith is stronger than mine and I love him for that.
HOPE. It amazes me sometimes that this is Ella's middle name. It was her name LONG before she got sick and long before we needed big hope. It is her grandmother's middle name and we always loved it. I think it's interesting when people hear that is her middle name they assume it's because she almost died after birth. God does take care of the little things. That child will always be attached to the word hope even if she and everyone around her loses it's meaning. Tonight I heard the phrase "through adversity comes hope". How perfect is that. Just through the adversity of life we received our hope, wrapped a child...stricken with an illness no one can understand and yet she brings joy and hope to all who know her, or hear of her.
I love my life. If you had asked me 4 years ago this week I think I would have said something different. I was having a great time with great friends and I thought life was grand...but if you had told me where I would be today I'm not sure I would have believed you. God gave me a husband who is more amazing than my wildest dreams, He has given me a child who has taught me more than all the adults in my life combined, and He has redirected me to focus on Him even in the midst of life's challenges. I look at myself in the mirror and and I don't recognize myself. I've changed. I've grown up even without realizing it. God challenged me to be Joe's wife and Ella's mother and I want so badly to live up to that challenge. There is NO way I could do it alone. Anyone with a "special needs" child knows that you need help...well, I need help from my Heavenly Father. I need to know that there is a greater reason for Ella's struggles than just because something went "wrong"...I know with all of my heart that God chose Ella...and in turn He chose Joe and me. He chose us to be a light for Him. To not only share Ella's story of adversity, but also her story of hope.
People ask how Ella is doing. If you ask me each day my answer would be different. Some days, like these last couple, I see HUGE progress. Yesterday she was holding her head up in her chair and today we started taking steps (mind you she was COMPLETELY supported). Then some days, like this past weekend...I see Ella next to children younger than her and my heart aches because she is so behind. I want her to see the world through the eyes of a healthy and curious child, but she sees the world through her own eyes. I'm blessed that Ella is SUCH a happy baby. This last weekend she has had an allergic reaction to something (we aren't sure what) and it's been interesting to see other's reactions to Ella being in a foul mood...it throws people off. That's when I realize how blessed we are to have a happy baby. She loves life. She loves to play. She loves specific toys and will gravitate towards them. She LOVES playing with her daddy. She loves kisses from Mimi, Grandpas beard, Grandma's laughter and Granddad's songs. She loves it when Micah plays with her or when Sara just holds her and talks to her. She loves playing with faces and she loves pulling at glasses and hair...and sticking chubby fingers up your nose. She gets tickled when she is startled or when she's happy. She can entertain herself for hours. She never cries when she ends up rolling off the carpet, but hates being left alone in a room. She doesn't like it when you read books, but if you sing to her she is mesmerized (unfortunately she received two tone-deaf parents....don't tell Joe). She could listen to the song Itsy-Bity Spider 100x and at the end she will say "again"...I think that's the only word she knows, but she knows what she wants.
So life is good. It feels crazy, but it's good. I'm going to start approving my schedule and calendar through prayer...I've been trying to run it for so long, I think it's time to give it over to God. So if I say I can't meet up, it's because I really can't meet up. If I don't return a phone call or email...it's because I'm busy and trying to keep my focus. I love my friends. I love having a busy schedule...but I have to start thinking about my relationship with my Lord over everything else. He wants to be the ruler of my life and I think I'm ready to give Him even more of my life than I have so far.
If you would, pray for me. Pray for focus and discipline. Pray for sleep and endurance. Pray for Ella, that she be healed...and that her life brings others closer to our Savior and Lord. Pray for our houses...both the one we are selling and the one we are meant to buy. Pray that I would submit first to God and then to my husband in the decisions of our house. Pray for the baby that we will see and hear on Friday, that everything be wonderfully healthy and that this child's heart will be shaped even now to accept the free gift of salvation.
Pray for our family as life comes at us, that we will all stay focused on the goal.
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" II Timothy 4:7