Good. Great.
I can't belive it's been a year. A year ago today I couldn't breathe because my life was so turned upside down. I still feel that way. I sat in my car on Monday and cried. It's hard. It's hard to know that my daughter is SO different from other children her age. It's amazing to know that we should be chasing her...and we stuggle to hold her because she's heavy and so not in control of her body. I can snuggle my child, but I wish she would start to venture out on her own. She doesn't cry, which is so great, but I wish I knew when she hurt, or was hungry, or just felt anything. She laughs, she smiles, she "talks"...but I want more. I want to chase her. I want to complain that she wears me out. Haha, I want to lose weight because I have to keep up with her. I want her to get frustrated that she can't walk or sit...and because of that frustration she tries harder. I want to be able to take her to a store and put her in a cart so I can grab groceries or just some stuff for the house. I want to be able to stand and talk to my friends with my daughter on my hip...instead of her breaking my arms and back. I want her to laugh when we tickle her...because she can feel it. I want her to make a mess in a high chair and make me spend all day cleaning it up...because she's allowed to eat the food. I want her to throw a sippy cup...because she's allowed to drink out of one.
I want a lot. It's hard to remember that I'm supposed to desire that God be glorified out of this situation we've been given. It's hard to align my heart with His when my heart breaks for Ella. I have to take myself out of the equation...and it's hard because I'm so selfish and self-centered...ask anyone. It's always about me or how things are going to effect me...this effects me and yet I'm not who is important. This is my life, but it's the life I've been given. Why have I been chosen for this? I'm not strong. I'm not patient. I'm not good at things like this. I need to be reminded that it's really not about me at all. Have you ever felt completely out of control. Like no matter what you could do as a human...it wouldn't be enough. I know that there is NOTHING humanly possible that I can do to "fix" Ella. I can't take her to a certain number of doctors...or even have any doctors do anything to her. This is how God created her and we can work with her to correct it, but there are no guarentees.
"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13
This doesn't mean that God will give me the strength to endure these trials without any scars, but that I will do it with His strength, even on the rough days. There have been times when I have walked away from God, beside God, and times when he has carried me...I think right now I'm going to enjoy being carried through this because I don't think I can take these steps alone.